On the following page I answer the most frequently asked questions about borderlines and relationships - this is about friendships . If you want to know more about steadfast relationships, read on on Relationships and Borderline: Love .
How do people with borderline personality disorder behave?
Relationships are very difficult for people with this personality disorder . They often live in extremes, they want closeness and love very much, but at the same time fear loss, rejection and the feeling of being abandoned. Because of this inner battle of extreme emotions , they often fluctuate rapidly and rapidly. At the beginning of a relationship, they often idealize towards it (longing for closeness) - when it becomes close and real, many fears can be activated:
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Be afraid of leaving
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Fear of rejection
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the partner could see the "real" face
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enormous self-doubt due to an unstable self-image as well as self-hatred
Is a person with borderline personality disorder In an acute situation, I describe in the blog in 5 steps borderline crisis intervention how you can help those affected.
What is a dissociation?
People with borderline personality disorder often have a feeling of emptiness - their emotions change quickly and are unstable. In extreme cases, those affected dissociate: If feelings are unbearable, they split off experience from consciousness . Some describe this as floating above themselves, as if they are observing themselves. Some feel alien to themselves in this state, this is called "depersonalization".
“Derealization” means that their surroundings appear sureal to them. These states are seldom recognizable from the outside; they are an expression of deep disruption and insecurity .
In the dissociative state, those affected are completely inactive: They move and speak little or not at all.
What problems do borderline people have in relationships?
People with borderline personality disorder fear being alone . At the same time, they find it difficult to fit into social groups. Those affected usually lack the following characteristics that are important for social relationships:
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they trust only with great difficulty and very seldom
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they can find it difficult to be alone , which is why they tend to "brace"
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they find it difficult to interpret the feelings and intentions of others
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It is difficult for them to assess their effect on others themselves, for example they do not notice the intensity of mood swings
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Temporary conflicts trigger fear of abandonment
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different opinions are interpreted as treason
The great fear of being abandoned or abandoned leads people with borderline personality disorder to cling to people just to avoid being alone. As a result, however, they cause exactly the opposite: Your counterpart is getting too tight and they are looking for distance / distance.
Why does a borderline person destroy relationships that mean something to them?
Especially partners get a lot of the inner tension of people with borderline. You never know exactly when those affected will “explode”; they suddenly switch from affection to rejection to separation . Tantrums can be very destructive and aimed at hurting the partner.
Affected people do this BECAUSE the relationship means something to them . As much as they want closeness, they fear emotional dependence. In childhood, borderline people were often defenseless, powerless - they do not have a secure bond. She tries with all her might to avoid these unpleasant feelings. Projections on current partnerships and triggers repeatedly evoke old feelings, aggression and anger are means to free yourself from this powerlessness.
People with borderline personality disorder prefer to break everything themselves - as painful as that hurts than being abandoned or hurt unexpectedly. That still gives them a sense of control - instead of the frightening powerlessness. If a relationship is going well, it arouses suspicion , the "calm before the storm" - they don't know the feeling of being loved and don't trust someone to be genuinely interested in them.
What does codependence mean in a relationship with borderliners?
The enormous emotional outbursts and fluctuations in borderline sufferers are often incomprehensible to partners. If the latter reacts repulsively or repulsively, annoyed, the borderliners' fear of abandonment worsens. Aggression, despression, self-harm and destructive behavior increase, sometimes one threatens suicide.
This is how co-dependency often arises: In order to avoid worse things , the partner does everything for the sick person. Personal needs are ignored for the “good” of the borderline person. This dynamic reinforces the mental illness and is very harmful for both in the long run.
Why Do People With Borderline Personality Disorder Manipulate?
Borderliners are always afraid that they will not be liked and that they will be left out. This uncertainty leads to them starting to test the other person . You start manipulating and creating drama. They get attention for this and often manage to pull the other person into their own suction.
Toxic relationships with emotional dependence often arise. Borderline people know where to dock, where unresolved wounds are, and how they weaken the self-confidence of the other person.
Can a borderliner repent?
Yes. Due to the severe traumatic experiences that many borderline sufferers often had in early childhood, all thinking and acting are geared towards escaping threat and injury . In doing so, they often have destructive behaviors that are not understood from the outside and are classified as "strange".
Tremendous fear and tension mainly cause the three behaviors: escape, attack, "killing". However, after the extreme feelings subside, many regret their own reactions.
Borderline Relationship: How Do I Deal With a Borderliner?
The personality disorder can be alleviated and injured parts can heal. This often takes years of therapy and the courage to look where it hurts . In a relationship with borderliners you have to be aware of the challenges and know that it takes a lot of work to function. Above all, the partner must:
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Inform: If you notice that your counterpart could be borderline, find out more. The more you know about the disease, the more so you can handle it better. You can distinguish what is the person you love and what is the disease.
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look at yourself: it is absolutely necessary to perceive and respect your own limits! It is important to consciously create space and time out, even if this can lead to violent reactions.
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Stay calm, do not allow yourself to be manipulated: Especially when you create these time-outs, you can meet with resistance. A calm reaction, not being drawn in, not getting involved, often leads to the person with borderline calming down more quickly .
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Rules: Fixed rules can help a lot to set clear boundaries . They also give the sick person support and security, they can adjust to it. In this way, rules create security for both parties.
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Support therapy : You cannot help the person with borderline alone and as a partner you are too emotionally involved. Therapy is often essential - motivate your counterpart to do so. In therapy, those affected learn to deal with tension, to talk about their inner states.
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Security and Separation: Because people with borderline personality disorder are so afraid of being abandoned, they need that sense of security from their partner. With their extreme behavior, those affected often cry out for attention. Show that you are there and stay here - but also show that you do not allow yourself to be treated in this way (e.g. in the case of fits of anger), draw the consequences. In this way, the sick person knows where they are and learns to trust.
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Lifestyle: A healthy lifestyle with regular meals, adequate sleep and exercise help with possible addictions and other symptoms of borderline disease.
What is dissociation?
People with borderline personality disorder often have a feeling of inner emptiness - their feelings change quickly, are unstable. In extreme cases, those affected dissociate: if feelings are unbearable, they separate the experience from consciousness . Some describe this as hovering over themselves, as if observing themselves. Some feel alienated from themselves in this state, this is called "depersonalization".
“Derealization” means that their surroundings appear surreal to them. These states are rarely recognizable from the outside, they are an expression of deep turmoil and insecurity .
In the dissociative state, those affected are completely inactive: They move and hardly speak or not at all.
With DBT skills and the emergency kit skills as well as a Skills List for Emergencies - an app that provides DBT skills at Borderline I describe supported under apps - increasingly help those affected to live mindfully and consciously.
What problems do people with borderline personality have in relationships ?
People with borderline personality disorder are afraid of being alone in relationships. At the same time, they find it difficult to fit into social groups. Those affected usually lack the following characteristics that are important for social relationships:
they trust only with great difficulty and very rarely
they find it difficult to be alone , which is why they tend to "cling".
they find it difficult to interpret the feelings and intentions of others
find it difficult to assess their effect on others , for example do not notice the intensity of mood swings
temporary conflicts trigger fear of abandonment
different opinions are interpreted as betrayal
The intense fear of being abandoned or rejected causes people with borderline personality disorder to cling to others just to avoid being alone . However, they cause exactly the opposite: Your counterpart is too cramped and seeks distance.
In addition , people with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) perceive this proximity as dangerous and push away those who have come too close for fear of renewed injury. This is particularly difficult in romantic relationships for those affected by borderline personality disorder , as an "I hate you, don't leave me" dynamic arises.
Why does a person with borderline personality disorder destroy relationships that mean something to them?
Especially close friends and partners get a lot of the inner tensions of people with borderline personality. You never know exactly when sufferers will "explode," abruptly going from affection to rejection to separation . Tantrums can be very destructive and aimed at hurting your partner.
Affected people do this BECAUSE the relationship means something to them . As much as they want closeness, emotional dependency scares them. In childhood, people with borderline were often defenseless, powerless - they know no secure attachment. They try to avoid these unpleasant feelings with all their might. Projections on current partnerships and triggers keep bringing up old feelings, aggression and anger are ways to free oneself from this powerlessness .
People with borderline personality disorder would rather break everything themselves - no matter how painful it is - than be abandoned or hurt unexpectedly. It still gives them a sense of control - instead of the frightening powerlessness . If a relationship is going well, mistrust arouses, the "calm before the storm" - they don't know the feeling of being loved and don't trust that someone can really be interested in them.
What does codependency mean in relationships with people with BPD
The enormous emotional outbursts and fluctuations of borderline sufferers is for friends or partners in relationships with borderline often not understandable. If the latter reacts dismissively or dismissively, annoyed, the borderliner's fear of abandonment worsens. Aggression, depression, self-harm and destructive behavior increase, sometimes there are threats of suicide.
This is how co-dependency often develops: in order to avoid worse things, the partner does everything for the sick person. One's own needs are ignored for the “good” of the person with borderline personality. This dynamic amplifies the mental illness and is very detrimental to both in the long run.
Why do people with borderline personality disorder manipulate?
Those affected by borderline personality disorder are constantly afraid that they will not be liked and that they will be excluded. This insecurity causes them to start testing their counterpart. They start manipulating and creating drama. They get attention for it and often manage to pull the other person into their own pull.
This is how toxic relationships with an emotional dependency develop. People with borderline know where to dock, where unprocessed wounds are, how they weaken the other person's self-confidence.
Can a person with borderline personality repent?
Yes. Due to the severe traumatic experiences that many borderline sufferers often experienced in early childhood, all thoughts and actions are geared towards escaping threat and injury . In doing so, they often have destructive behaviors that are not understood from the outside, classified as "strange".
Enormous fear and tension are mainly caused by the three behaviors: flight, attack, "playing dead" . However, after the extreme feelings have subsided, many regret their own reactions.
Borderline relationship: How do I deal with a borderline?
The personality disorder can decrease, injured parts can heal. This often requires years of therapy and the courage to look where it hurts. In a relationship with borderliners, one has to be aware of the challenges and that it takes a lot of work to make it work. Above all, the partner must:
Inform: If you notice that your counterpart could have borderline, inform yourself. The more you know about the disease, the better you can deal with it . You can distinguish what is the person you love and what is the disease.
look at yourself: to perceive and respect your own limits is absolutely necessary! It is important to consciously create free spaces and time-outs , even if this can meet with violent reactions.
Remain calm, don't allow yourself to be manipulated : Especially when you create these downtimes, it can meet with resistance. A calm response, not getting drawn into it , not rushing into it, often results in the person with borderline personality calming down more quickly.
Rules: Fixed rules can help a lot to set clear boundaries . They also give the sick person support and security, they can adapt to this. In this way, rules create security for both parties.
Support Therapy: You cannot help the person with borderline personality alone and as a partner you are too emotionally involved. Therapy is often essential - motivate your counterpart to do so. In therapy , those affected learn to deal with tension and to talk about their inner states.
Security and Separation: Because people with borderline personality disorder are so afraid of abandonment, they need a sense of security from their friends or partner . Those affected often cry out for attention with their extreme behavior. Show that you are there and will stay here - but also show that you will not allow yourself to be treated in this way (e.g. in the case of tantrums), draw consequences. In this way, the sick person knows where they stand and learns to trust.
Lifestyle: A healthy lifestyle with regular meals, sufficient sleep and exercise help with possible addictions and other symptoms of borderline disease.
Are people with borderline personality disorder unable to relate?
This stigma is predominant, and those affected often think this of themselves. Due to the "I hate you, don't leave me" traits of people with borderline syndrome, the relationship behavior can quickly switch to an on-off relationship - be it a friendship or a relationship. Despite the great challenges, people with borderline personality are not incapable of relationships .
A passionate initial phase is often followed by an emotional and intensive partnership - but this can be successful. With psychotherapeutic support, constructive communication and honesty, the partnership can grow beyond the on-off dynamic.
Are borderline friendships short-lived?
Illness -related fear of abandonment makes it difficult for friends and romantic partners of people with borderline personality . It is difficult for those affected to build trust, and even small events trigger tendencies to flee and break off contact. Nevertheless, people with borderline personality can have relationships - here, too, open communication, honesty and, at best, professional support are required.
For more information, please read more on the Borderline and Relationship in Love page.
Do you have the suspicion that you are from a are affected by borderline personality disorder , do the Borderline self-assessment . Important: The result is not a diagnosis, but can be an indication and asks about the symptoms of the personality disorder.
Under self-help for BPD you will find DBT skills in case of tension and the emergency kit as well as a skills list for borderline - as well as contact points in crises .
All the best,
your Johanna