Borderline personality disorder and relationship behavior
Borderline people usually change partners quickly and make decisions impulsively . Small triggers trigger extreme reactions and decisions: For example, the late arrival of the other person can be a reason to end the relationship.
For partners of people with Borderline personality is the relationship behavior with Actions and feelings are often incomprehensible - but partners, friends and family in particular can be of great help on the road to recovery. It is important that you protect yourself well and take care not to be drawn into a destructive undertow.
The following questions are answered here - scientifically researched and supplemented by my own opinion:
If you have any further questions, please send them to me and I'll be happy to add more here.
If you suspect that you are affected by a borderline personality disorder , do the self-test . Important: The result is not a diagnosis , but can be an indication and asks about the symptoms of the personality disorder.
How do I recognize a borderline relationship?
high mood swings - instability and impulsiveness: People with borderline personality disorders suffer from high levels of tension and react to the smallest triggers with incomprehensibly large reactions.
Your mood is unstable and impulsive . If partners have rapid, unpredictable tantrums with high intensity, destructiveness such as allegations and threats of separation, there may be more to it. Often there is no “middle” - the mood changes from aggression (e.g. “I hate you”) to depression (e.g. “I want to die”).
On-off relationship: Frequent partner changes and on-off relationships often shape relationships of borderliners. In the beginning, those affected idealize their partners and think everything is great, they want to spend as much time together as possible. If they then discover that the partner is not “perfect”, devaluation and contempt quickly ensues. People with borderlines often only see black or white . You idealize your counterpart, it gets too close, you are afraid of being too close - it leads to devaluation and breakdown of the relationship. This is followed by fear of being alone, of being abandoned - this is how the subsequent reconciliation takes place.
Self-harming behavior, self-harm, threats of suicide: impulsiveness and instability repeatedly lead to behaviors that harm those affected with BPD. In doing so , they often go overboard : they steal or spend a lot of money, have binge eating, consume drugs, etc. Self-harm is possible in many forms, threats of suicide are to be taken seriously (for trigger reasons, I do not want to go into this in more detail).
If you want to read more about borderline disease, I recommend the page "What is borderline" .
My feeling:
Establishing stable relationships was and is a difficult topic for me. At the beginning I feel great, I manage to keep up appearances, to be a strong, cheerful woman. The more I fall in love, the more panic I get inside - I have the feeling of losing control, of being at the mercy - vulnerable. In principle, I'm trying to talk a little more openly here, about how I feel, how I feel. Most of the time, however, I overplay a lot, give the feeling that I'm "not that interested anyway" and thus block myself a lot. So I sometimes stick to the uncomplicated bed story, which on the one hand saves me the stress of closeness, and on the other hand does not fulfill my desire for closeness .
And sometimes I make it into a relationship when the man shows me: No, I'll stay there, I want you. I trust a little more then. However, it has been the case up to now that I unfortunately "lost" myself in the relationship very quickly : I wanted to spend a lot of time with my partner, neglected my own path and thus repeatedly got into roller coasters of emotions, into which I drew my counterpart.
If it was too close to me, I screamed and devalued, I pushed the other person away with all my might. Once the distance was created, I missed the relationship. It was a vicious circle . Today I have been living alone for a long time and focus on giving myself stability and building my own life. I have hobbies and a good environment that supports me. The desire for a relationship is great and I want to get involved again. But I know that I have to take it "slowly" . Keep coming back to my life, being there for myself. What helped me with these small steps was especially the borderline emergency case with helpful skills .
Why do people with borderline personality disorder cheat?
It cannot be said in general terms that all borderline people cheat. However, when it comes to intimacy, those affected react extremely: They avoid sexuality completely or have no impulse control - promiscuity occurs and they often change sexual partners.
My feeling: I was never able to fully engage with my boyfriend. I always needed a plan B in case it died or I lost it. I needed the safety net . At the same time, there was always the thrill when someone found me attractive. I defined myself strongly through men and sex, alone I had no self-worth, just felt ugly. Again, I have therefore been living alone for a certain time - consciously in order to learn that I alone have value. Even without a husband I have a right to live, even without advances from men I can feel beautiful. Simply that way.
How are borderliners in bed?
People with borderlines use sexuality again and again as a means to satisfy the strong longing for closeness and to build a relationship. It also helps some to reduce internal tension and fears. They show a high level of impulsiveness and sexual openness.
This is attractive to the other person, but is dangerous for the person with borderline: On the one hand, they can put themselves in a risky, abusive situation , on the other hand, this behavior can be very self-damaging and contain dissociations.
With regard to sexual behavior, experts divide borderline patients into three groups:
Unlived sexuality: Longing is held back by fear of (sexual) relationship
Extreme sexual behavior is lived, often risky, against tension and fears
“Normal” sexuality: often also associated with fears
Treating unexperienced sexuality is considered more difficult than extreme sexuality, as it is easier to treat something that is already there.
My feeling: Since I defined myself strongly about men , I did a lot to please them. At the same time, I had a lot of fun doing it - it gave me a feeling of freedom, finally being able to let go, be wild. Uninhibited, I felt myself. It was difficult that I repeatedly catapulted myself into awkward situations, not daring to say "no". Such moments resulted in a painful emptiness and deep holes . Today I don't want to either. I want a man with whom I can share this. And who at the same time respects, appreciates and loves me as a person, instead of just as a bed companion.
How long do relationships with borderline personalities last?
Relationships with borderline people are often short-lived . The reason for this is that those affected are often very afraid of leaving. They struggle with very low self-esteem to the point of self-loathing. They find it difficult to trust people, to believe that they are lovable.
This can result in pathological jealousy. Small occasions can therefore lead to strong reactions, emotional outbursts and broken relationships. People with borderline prefer to destroy what is important to them in a “controlled” manner than to be abandoned suddenly and without warning.
My feeling: It always depends on how strong the borderline is or how well you can handle it. At that time, I fell into ON-OFF mode very early on. In my last relationship I was a little more stable and I think we were happy for about 1.5 years.
My partner has borderline: what should I do?
Borderline is a serious personality disorder that can, however, be treated . Affected people have a high level of suffering, an unstable emotional world and high impulsiveness. Is that why you should split up?
A relationship with someone with borderline illness is very challenging and takes a lot of work. However, if you can see behind their destructive cloak, those affected are particularly amiable, creative, humorous, sensitive personalities. A relationship is possible with appropriate psychotherapy and possibly couples therapy. Find out more about the topic and talk to like-minded people: This can be very relieving and enlightening!
My feeling: I find it so sad when I hear people say: "Borderliners are psychos, break up." Many of people with borderline personality disorder had such traumatic childhood experiences that these defense mechanisms ensured their survival. Screaming and devaluing to get the other person at a distance helped and helps against the bad feeling of powerlessness - caused by many hurtful transgressions of boundaries. Pushing away is the fear of being hurt like this again if you let someone close to you, if you show yourself to be vulnerable.
Yes, a relationship with borderline people is not easy , but it is worth it in my opinion. Behind the protective walls I saw injured children who, if they trust you, are loyal, full of love, funny and incredibly great people. They have to learn to shed these patterns, to change them by understanding that they can now defend themselves differently and are no longer in the situation they were in back then. For me, the framework conditions are definitely therapy for the person concerned, possibly couples therapy and open communication.
How does a relationship start with borderline personality disorder?
The beginning of a relationship with borderline sufferers is almost magical , as if one had found one's soul mate. This results from the fact that borderline people do not have an independent self. Like children, they are completely open and focused on that.
At some point, however, this phase ends and there is a rapid devaluation that is very painful . From the idealization, "You are the best", it comes to devaluation, "I hate you."
My feeling: My beginnings were actually always magical . I showed myself at my best, the men loved me very quickly. I loved her very quickly. At the beginning I idealized completely and set a fast pace. At some point, very soon for me, the "audition" no longer worked. My facade crumbled , there was closeness and I was afraid.
Likewise, my holes came back and I couldn't hide it so well anymore. That's why I realize that I want to take my next relationship slowly . At that time I immediately went "all-in" and it quickly got too close, I had to push away destructively. Today I want to feel good, what is good for me and where is it too much for me, where do I have to take myself seriously.
What borderline types are there for relationships?
Psychotherapist Suzana Pavic says that no one comes into a relationship by chance. Borderline sufferers often change partners, the stranger quickly becomes a great love that disappears just as quickly. A clear type cannot be described, but it is seldom self-confident people who get involved with borderliners.
The initial idealization flatters the counterpart, dramas give the counterpart the feeling of a savior - it feels like intoxication. For these reasons, increasing outbreaks and threats are tolerated, the toxic relationship developing.
My feeling: I cannot give a clear answer for myself here. After dealing with difficult men, I took a full year off and vowed that my closest friend had "his life under control". Since then I've had really great friends whom I loved very much.
Perhaps everyone had the same thing that I quickly realized that they were "doing everything for me" and putting themselves on the back burner . So I started playing with it very quickly. So my tip: keep your limits and take them seriously - both: people with borderline personality disorder and partners. Otherwise it can become very destructive very quickly!
Are borderliners unable to relate?
This is the prevailing opinion, and people with borderlines also refer to themselves that way. However , this cannot be generalized . Affected people and their partners face major challenges, but a fundamental inability to lead relationships cannot be inferred.
My feeling: No, we are not. We struggle with trust, closeness, and stability. But when we trust, we are empathetic, loyal, important friends and also partners. I can say that about myself and about other friends with this mental illness. That's why I'm so committed to destigmatization and education: We're damned worth it!
Sources:
http://www.asklepios.de/upload/archiv/medtropole_borderline_6194.pdf (accessed: 1.10.21, 9:45 a.m.)
https://www.netdoktor.at/krankheiten/borderline-syndrom/haben/ (Access: 1.10.21, 10:12 a.m.)
https://www.tk.de/techniker/gesundheit-und-medizin/behandlungen-und-medizin/psychische- Krankungen/leben-mit-der-borderline-persoenlichkeitsstoerung-2016414?tkcm=aaus (Access: 1.10.21, 10:21 a.m.)
https://www.onmeda.de/psychologie/borderline-haben-anzeichen.html (Access: October 2nd, 21, 2:23 p.m.)
https://ihrweg.com/haben/warum-iegen-borderliner-fremd/ (Access: October 2, 21, 2:45 p.m.)
https://www.myself.de/leben/liebe-sex/borderline-haben/ (Access: October 2nd, 21, 3:32 p.m.)
https://www.profil.at/gesellschaft/psychtherapeutin-suzana-pavic-gezielte-abwert-und-machtausuebung/400868957 (Access: October 2nd, 21, 4:23 p.m.)
How do I recognize a borderline relationship?
high mood swings - instability and impulsiveness: People with borderline personality disorders suffer from high levels of tension and react to the smallest trigger with incomprehensibly large reactions.
Your mood is unstable and impulsive . If partners have quick, unpredictable tantrums with high intensity, destructiveness such as accusations and threats of separation, there may be more behind it. There is often no "middle" - the mood changes from aggression (eg "I hate you") to depression (eg "I want to die").
On-off relationship: Frequent partner changes and on-off relationships often characterize relationships between borderliners. In the beginning, sufferers idealize their partners and think everything is great, they want to spend as much time together as possible. If they then discover that the partner is not “perfect”, devaluation and contempt quickly follow. People with borderline personality often only see in black or white . They idealize their counterpart, if it gets too close, if they are afraid of too much closeness - the result is devaluation and a break in the relationship. Now follows the fear of being alone, of being abandoned - this is how the subsequent reconciliation occurs.
Self-harm behavior, self-harm, suicidal threats: impulsiveness and instability consistently lead to behaviors that are harmful to those with BPD. They often go too far: They steal or spend a lot of money, have binge eating, use drugs, etc. Self-injury is possible in many forms, and threats of suicide should be taken seriously (I don’t want to go into detail about this for trigger reasons).
If you want to read more about borderline disease , I recommend the page "What is Borderline" .
My feeling:
Entering into long-term relationships was and is a difficult subject for me. At the beginning I feel great, I manage to keep up the appearance of being a strong, fun-loving woman. The more I fall in love, the more I panic inside - I feel like I'm losing control, at mercy - vulnerable.
In principle, I'm trying to talk a little more openly about how I'm doing, how I'm feeling. Most of the time, however, I overplay a lot, give the feeling that I'm "not that interested anyway" and thus spoil a lot for myself . So I sometimes stick to the uncomplicated bed story, which on the one hand saves me the stress of closeness, but on the other hand does not fulfill my desire for closeness.
And sometimes I do manage to get into a relationship if the man shows me: No, I'll stay there, I want you. Then I trust a little more. However, up to now I have unfortunately "lost" myself in the relationship very quickly : I wanted to spend a lot of time with my partner, neglected my own path and thus repeatedly got caught in rollercoasters of emotions, into which I drew my counterpart.
If it was too close, I screamed and devalued, I pushed my opponent away with all my might. Once the distance was created, I missed the relationship. It was a vicious cycle . Today I've been living alone for a long time and I'm focusing on giving myself stability, building my own life . I have hobbies and a good environment that supports me. The desire for a relationship is great and I want to get involved again. But I know that I have to take it "slowly". Keep coming back to my life, being there for myself. What helped me with these small steps was the borderline emergency kit with helpful skills .
Why do people with borderline personality disorder cheat?
One cannot generalize that all people with borderline personality cheat. However, when intimacy occurs, those affected react in an extreme way: they avoid sexuality completely or have no impulse control - promiscuity occurs and they often switch sexual partners.
My feeling:
I could never fully engage with my boyfriend. I always needed a plan B in case he died or I lose him. I needed the safety net . At the same time, there was always a thrill when someone found me attractive. I defined myself a lot through men and sex, alone I had no self-worth, just felt ugly. Again, that's why I've been living alone for a while - consciously, to learn that I have value on my own. Even without a man I have a right to live, even without advances from men I can feel beautiful. Simply that way.
Borderline Relationship & Sexuality: How are borderliners in bed?
Sexuality is repeatedly used by people with borderline personality traits as a means of satisfying the strong longing for closeness and building a relationship. It also helps some to reduce inner tension and anxiety. They show a high level of impulsiveness and sexual openness.
This has an attractive effect on the other person, but is dangerous for the person with borderline : On the one hand, they can put themselves in a risky, abusive situation, on the other hand, this behavior can be very self-damaging and contain dissociations.
With regard to sexual behavior, experts divide borderline patients into three groups:
Sexuality not lived: longing is held back by fear of (sexual) relationships
Extreme sexual behavior is practiced, often risky, against tension and fear
"Normal" sexuality: often also associated with fears
The therapy of sexuality that is not lived is considered to be more difficult than extremely lived sexuality, since it is easier to treat something that already exists.
My feeling:
Since I defined myself strongly about men, I did a lot to please them. At the same time I had a lot of fun doing it - it gave me a feeling of freedom, finally being able to let go, to be wild. Unrestrained, I felt myself. What was difficult was that I kept throwing myself into awkward situations and didn't dare to say "no". Such moments led to an aching emptiness and deep holes. I don't want to do that anymore either. I wish for a man with whom I can share this . And who respects, appreciates and loves me as a person at the same time, instead of just as a bedfellow.
Sexuality in borderline relationships: women and men with BPD as sexual partners, sexual identity
Borderline in women and men can also affect sexual health and intimacy. Due to impulsive behaviour, unstable self-image and emotional sensitivity, women with Borderline Personality Disorder may have difficulty forming healthy and satisfying sexual relationships.
This can range from difficulties with intimacy, fear of rejection or abandonment, to risky sexual behaviour. Holistic treatment for sexual partners with BPD that focuses on emotional stability, self-esteem and communication skills can help address sexual challenges and build a fulfilling and healthy sexual relationship.
My experience:
I definitely recommend body therapy for borderline - in general and especially in this area!
How long do relationships with borderline personalities last?
Relationships with people with borderline personality are often short-lived . The reason for this is that those affected are often very afraid of being abandoned. They struggle with very low self-esteem to the point of self-loathing. They find it difficult to trust people, to believe that they are lovable.
This can result in pathological jealousy. Small occasions can therefore already lead to strong reactions, emotional outbursts and the break-up of relationships. People with borderline prefer to destroy what is important to them in a “controlled manner” than to be abandoned themselves suddenly and without warning.
My feeling:
It always depends on how strong borderline is and how well you can deal with it. At that time I fell into the ON-OFF mode very early. In my last relationship I was a bit more stable and I think we were happy for about 1.5 years.
My partner (male or female) has borderline: what should I do?
Borderline is a serious personality disorder, but it can be treated . Those affected, men and women, have a high level of suffering, an unstable emotional world and high impulsiveness. Is that why you should break up?
A relationship with a borderline patient is very challenging and requires a lot of work . However, if you look behind their destructive coat, those affected are particularly amiable, creative, humorous, and sensitive personalities. With appropriate psychotherapy and possibly couple therapy, a relationship is possible. Find out more about the topic and talk to like-minded people : This can be very relieving and enlightening!
My feeling:
I find it so sad when I hear people say, "Borderliners are psychos, break up." Many people with borderline personality disorder have experienced such traumatic childhood experiences that these defense mechanisms ensured their survival. Screaming and devaluing, to get the other person at a distance, helped and still helps against the bad feeling of powerlessness - caused by many hurtful border crossings . Pushing away is the fear of being hurt like that again if you let someone close to you, if you show yourself vulnerable.
Yes, dating people with borderline personality isn't easy, but it's worth it in my opinion . Behind the protective walls I saw hurting children who, when they trust you, are loyal, full of love, funny and insanely great people. They have to learn to discard these patterns, to change them by understanding that they can now defend themselves differently and are no longer in the situation they were in back then. For me, the basic conditions are definitely therapy for the person concerned, possibly couple therapy and open communication.
What is the beginning of a relationship with borderline personality disorder?
Starting a relationship with a borderline personality is almost magical , like finding your soul mate. This results from the fact that people with borderline do not have an independent ego. Like children, they are completely open and focused on each other.
At some point, however, this phase ends and there is a rapid devaluation, which is very painful . From the idealization, "You are the best," comes the devaluation, "I hate you."
My feeling:
In fact, my beginnings have always been magical. I showed myself from my best side, the men loved me very quickly. I loved her very quickly. At the beginning I completely idealized, set a fast pace. At some point, very soon for me, the "playing" didn't work anymore. My facade crumbled , closeness developed and I was afraid.
Likewise, my holes came back and I could not hide it so well. That's why I realize that I want to take my next relationship slowly. At that time I immediately went "All-In" and it quickly became too close for me, I had to push away destructively . Today I want to feel good, what is good for me and where is it too much for me, where do I have to take myself seriously. My borderline emergency kit for tension, mindfulness, etc. I still have it by my side and use the DBT skills to notice this early enough.
Which borderline types are there for relationships?
Psychotherapist Suzana Pavic says that no one gets into a relationship by accident . Borderline sufferers often change their partner, the stranger quickly turns into great love, which flies just as quickly. A clear type cannot be described , but it is rarely self-confident people who get involved with borderliners.
The initial idealization flatters the other person, dramas give the other person the feeling of being a savior - it feels like an intoxication . For these reasons, increasing outbursts and threats are tolerated, the toxic relationship arises.
My feeling:
I ca n't give a clear answer here. After dating difficult men, I took a year off completely and vowed to myself that my next boyfriend would have "his life in order". Since then I've had really great friends who I loved very much.
Maybe everyone had the same thing, I quickly realized that they "do anything for me" and put themselves aside. So I started playing with it very quickly. So my tip: keep your boundaries and take them seriously - both: people with borderline personality disorder and partners - as well as friends of borderliners . Otherwise it can become very destructive very quickly!
If you have a good friend who is borderline, see Borderline and Relationship: Friendship for more information.
Are borderliners incapable of relationships?
This is the prevailing opinion, people with borderline personality also describe themselves that way. However , one can not generalize . Those affected and their partners face major challenges, but a fundamental inability to manage relationships cannot be deduced.
My feeling:
No, we are not unable to relate . We struggle with trust, closeness and stability. But when we trust, we are empathetic, loyal, important friends and also partners . I can say that about myself and other friends with this mental illness. That's why I'm so committed to destigmatization and education: We're bloody worth it!
Borderline Relationship: On-Off Relationship - Is it the end if he/she distances himself/herself?
The borderline relationship can be very difficult for partners. So-called on-off relationships are not uncommon, those affected by borderline fluctuate between closeness and distance .
Sometimes when you get hurt by someone you love very much, you make a pact with yourself never to get involved with someone like that ever again. This form of self-protection is much more intense in the case of borderline sufferers: their great fear of being abandoned collides with their great desire for closeness.
As soon as the partner "comes too close", "can see behind the facade", could see the "vulnerability" or inadequacy", one forces distance again in various ways (e.g. provoking a fight, temporarily breaking off contact). As extreme as that seems , in this case three things help:
Self-protection: Now take good care of yourself and your own boundaries - this will help you and your partner with borderline to calm the situation down again
Give space: People with borderline personality seek distance because it 's too narrow for them at the moment - give your partner space so that he realizes that you're no longer pushing him to do something
Develop and discuss a plan: Discuss what will help in an emergency - it is best for the person with BPD to notice early on when it is getting too much and communicate this.
My feeling:
It was important for me to distance myself in order to find my way back to myself . I often felt like I was losing myself in a relationship. With so much closeness, I no longer felt what part I was, what I felt. For a long time I did this in a very extreme way - I provoked a fight, suddenly I didn't feel anything for my partner anymore, broke off contact or my body felt numb, including my feelings.
This is extremely difficult for people with borderline personality, relationships are a big challenge . Some of the people I spoke to didn't understand at all - but reproaches and a lack of understanding put me in even greater distress. The friends and partner I have now give me a lot of space - I can be insecure, indecisive and sometimes lose myself. They then help me to find myself again by giving me the space and allowing me to take time for myself. At the same time, when I offend them, they honestly tell me what is very important to me: it makes me more sensitive to addressing things early on.
Swell:
http://www.asklepios.de/upload/archiv/medtropole_borderline_6194.pdf (accessed: 1.10.21, 9:45 a.m.)
https://www.netdoktor.at/illnesses/borderline-syndrom/relationship/ (Retrieved: 10/01/21, 10:12 a.m.)
https://www.tk.de/techniker/gesundheit-und-medizin/treatmenten-und-medizin/psychiatric-diseases/leben-mit-der-borderline-personality-disorder-2016414?tkcm=aaus (Retrieved: 10/01/21, 10:21 a.m.)
https://www.onmeda.de/psychologie/borderline-verhältnis-anzeichen.html (Retrieved: 2.10.21, 2:23 p.m.)
https://yourpath.com/relationship/warum-gehen-borderliner-fremd/ (Retrieved: 10/02/21, 2:45 p.m.)
https://www.myself.de/leben/liebe-sex/borderline-relationship/ (Retrieved: 10/02/21, 3:32 p.m.)
https://www.profil.at/gesellschaft/psychtherapeutin-suzana-pavic-gezielte-abvaluation-und-machtausuebung/400868957 (Retrieved: 10/2/21, 4:23 p.m.)
https://yourpath.com/relationship/if-borderliner-auf-distant-go/ (retrieval: 3/11/22, 7:22 p.m.)